My heart is sad at so many people who say I am owed or I am angry or I hate people they do not actually know. I am sad because I was one of those people. I was abused by my Grannie. The physical pain was bad but her words scarred me- "We have to keep you." "We would give you away if we could, but people don't give away their children." and "We all wish you would die." I was four when my parents found out what she was doing because she taught me to keep secrets deep within me. Even after they found out I told them nothing. I hated her, I hated God, I hated everyone. Hate invaded my life and was like kudzu cutting me off from love at every turn. Her abuse set me up for a teacher to abuse me. I said nothing. I walked to school every day crying, and walked home doing the same. I wiped my tears away and pretended all was okay and said nothing. I was sexually assaulted when I was eleven until I was fifteen. I said nothing. Hate grew more and more. I was bullied in school, and my hate grew. I was on a destructive path when I entered college.
I met a woman a year older than me at that college. She was kind to me. I was broken and she listened to me. One day in the spring, the "babysitter' (the name I gave to the man who raped me) came to my college and stopped me, and threaten me if I did not leave with him. I was never going to go back to that kind of abuse again. I refused. I was shaking when I walked into her room. Marie Holzworth Smith changed my life that day. She listened to my horror story without reacting. I told her I saw no escape. She gave me an escape, but at the time I did not know it. She wrote on a small piece of paper I Corinthians Chapter 13, and told me not to open it until I got to my room and read it. I was looking for an easy answer. She gave me work. I saw what she wrote and started cussing. I threw it away, but I was curious so I read it. I was an atheist and she knew that. Never judged me for being one. Her one act of kindness set me on a journey understand love. She changed my life. A year later I became a Christian.
Years later I wrote my Lenten study on my journey to love, and in writing that I found that love is two things- Kind and Patient. I have, since I wrote that paper, tried to live my life by being kind and being patient. I think I am good at being kind but patience well that may take the rest of my life to do that...
Writing that paper and writing my book on grief after I lost twelve people made me go on a journey to forgiveness because that hate was still in my heart. I was a survivor but I wanted to be a victor in my own life and as long as I clung to that pain and hate. Most think that after injury like mine that it is justified. Hate is never justified. There is no righteous hate. Hate destroys. Forgiveness is the most difficult thing we ever do, and I was on that difficult road. Forgiveness never is about saying that the abuse was right. It isn't. Forgiveness released me from the kudzu vines that entwined my life. In 2018, I spent the year facing each hurt and forgiving each action. I cried a lot as those vines let me breath free clear air for the first time in one fifty years.
I realized that Love is a gift to my life, and I can give it away by being kind to those I meet and being patient when I don't want to be patient. I am each day made new. I also realized that life is a dance, and whoever sent my way I will dance with their dance of life.
IF I could give each of you a gift this Christmas season, it would be for you to choose to be kind each day. Because one act of kindness can change a person's life like Marie did to mine. I will the rest of my life honor that act of kindness. Marie lost her life to cancer in May, and I grieve the loss of my friend. She gave me my life back, and never realized until years later what she gave me. Thank you Marie, and I miss hearing from you.
So Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas and Happy New year! I am borrowing my niece's computer to write this. Who knows when I will be back. In the meantime I am writing my novel and poetry, and maybe when I am back I will share some with you.
Ever in Christ's Love
Mary Elizabeth Todd
I met a woman a year older than me at that college. She was kind to me. I was broken and she listened to me. One day in the spring, the "babysitter' (the name I gave to the man who raped me) came to my college and stopped me, and threaten me if I did not leave with him. I was never going to go back to that kind of abuse again. I refused. I was shaking when I walked into her room. Marie Holzworth Smith changed my life that day. She listened to my horror story without reacting. I told her I saw no escape. She gave me an escape, but at the time I did not know it. She wrote on a small piece of paper I Corinthians Chapter 13, and told me not to open it until I got to my room and read it. I was looking for an easy answer. She gave me work. I saw what she wrote and started cussing. I threw it away, but I was curious so I read it. I was an atheist and she knew that. Never judged me for being one. Her one act of kindness set me on a journey understand love. She changed my life. A year later I became a Christian.
Years later I wrote my Lenten study on my journey to love, and in writing that I found that love is two things- Kind and Patient. I have, since I wrote that paper, tried to live my life by being kind and being patient. I think I am good at being kind but patience well that may take the rest of my life to do that...
Writing that paper and writing my book on grief after I lost twelve people made me go on a journey to forgiveness because that hate was still in my heart. I was a survivor but I wanted to be a victor in my own life and as long as I clung to that pain and hate. Most think that after injury like mine that it is justified. Hate is never justified. There is no righteous hate. Hate destroys. Forgiveness is the most difficult thing we ever do, and I was on that difficult road. Forgiveness never is about saying that the abuse was right. It isn't. Forgiveness released me from the kudzu vines that entwined my life. In 2018, I spent the year facing each hurt and forgiving each action. I cried a lot as those vines let me breath free clear air for the first time in one fifty years.
I realized that Love is a gift to my life, and I can give it away by being kind to those I meet and being patient when I don't want to be patient. I am each day made new. I also realized that life is a dance, and whoever sent my way I will dance with their dance of life.
IF I could give each of you a gift this Christmas season, it would be for you to choose to be kind each day. Because one act of kindness can change a person's life like Marie did to mine. I will the rest of my life honor that act of kindness. Marie lost her life to cancer in May, and I grieve the loss of my friend. She gave me my life back, and never realized until years later what she gave me. Thank you Marie, and I miss hearing from you.
So Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas and Happy New year! I am borrowing my niece's computer to write this. Who knows when I will be back. In the meantime I am writing my novel and poetry, and maybe when I am back I will share some with you.
Ever in Christ's Love
Mary Elizabeth Todd