Do I accept this life? Good question. Of course, there is the answer that I can do nothing to change the losses. No matter how much denial, bargaining, running away, hiding inside myself I do, I cannot change that I lost people dear to me. They are gone and will not come back to this life. I do believe that I will see them again one day and that is a comfort. Do I accept this life? For a long time, I have accepted that I cannot change what has happened.
Ma would tell me, “Mary, you can’t change some things no matter how much you might like them to change. You have to accept it and move on.”
The accepting that I will more likely than not be alone for the rest of my days has been difficult to do. It was like standing at the edge of the ocean looking out and seeing the endless waves coming at me with no end in sight. It was like all those days of emptiness and being alone coming at me. I stayed there caught in the emptiness and aloneness until I knew I had to move on in my life. It was tempting to stay trapped there looking out at the endless days, but I was taught by the best on how to move on with my life and that was Ma.
I may spend the rest of my days alone in this home of mine, but it will not be with loneliness. It will be with the grace that solitude can bring to my days. I may spend most of my hours in that solitude, but there will be times I will be blessed in communion with those I love. For there are many that I still love. My life will never be as it was. It can’t be. It does not mean that my life will not be filled with purpose and hope and joy. It does not mean that the days to come will not be blessed with more than I ever lost, but if it stays the same. I am good with that also.
I am content (such an old fashion word is the word content.) There is a quietness to it and no noise in it. There is such a simplicity to the word- no complications. I have lived a life of complications. I prefer quiet and the simplicity. It is like sitting on the screen porch on a chilly Spring morning having a cup of coffee while wrapped up in a quilt. All the noise is made by some bird fussing down in the forest. It is good.
To answer the question, yes, I do accept this life. I accept it with all its quietness and solitude. I accept the ups and downs of everyday living. I accept that I must be more self-sufficient than I ever have been. My sorrows have been great, and when another loses a loved one, I feel it deeper than I ever did before, but I also feel the joys higher and broader than I ever did before. It is a good life and I have been blessed by the journey I had to take. I have been blessed by those that left my life, but I am also blessed by those that remain. With much grace and gratitude, I accept this life.
Along this journey, I found this wonderful gift of Hope. There was a time in the beginning that I hoped that I would not lose everyone. I always knew with polycystic kidney disease that I would probably lose my brothers and the older Ma became I knew her death was coming sooner than later. I learned along the way to take each day as a blessing. I also found that hope softens the blow. It is like a wall that is built for a windbreak, so the wind does not hit so hard. Hope is that windbreak in our lives.
Hope is also a building block. It is the foundation of our future. If the wall comes tumbling down, Hope will help to build that wall back. It was that way for me. When I had no one to share stories with because they had died, I was lost with what to do with all those memories. I have already written some down in my Christmas stories. I found sharing these good moments has helped to rebuild that wall to the past that seemed disconnected at the same time it was like building a set of stairs to the future.
Hope is a crystal light. I said that in a Christmas card years and years ago. It is sort of like a beacon guiding us. At the times in my life when I have felt hopeless, I have felt I was so in the dark I could not find my way out; when hope returned, the light returned.
Hope is a gift of a windbreak when times are hard, a building block when the foundation of the future needs to be built and a light to drive away the darkness of hopelessness. Hope is sometimes to me more precious than most of the other gifts in my life except faith and love.
Thoughts
This was the most difficult section that I wrote in this book. I realized that I had not dealt with whether I accepted my life as it is. It took me months before I would face it. I came back later and rewrote it because I had not been honest in my writing or with myself.
It is not easy to be honest with yourself. It is difficult to face realities when it involves yourself. God guided me towards being honest with facts about my life. I had to face that I would probably be alone the rest of my days. As I faced that face my heart wept silently as I laid aside any dreams or fantasies that I might have wanted. Letting go of dreams was difficult. It took between 2012 and 2014 to get to that point. I had to face that I would probably struggle the rest of life with caring for my home and my finances. At the time I accepted that my appliances were showing me how fast they could break.
Sometimes I would say to God simply to say please help me. He would always send to me help. At times I would panic, but then I would say, as Ma said that I just had to accept it and go on. But I still didn't accept my life. It was letting go of being a writer who was published, letting go of believing that some of my family would love me just as I am. That I know will not happen, and I can't change them. i had to let go of my health because long before I had an iron infusion, I knew something was wrong. It meant letting go of hiking up mountains again. It broke my heart. It meant facing that money would not be there to do the one thing I dreamed of doing which was ride on all the roads my father built. In that one, I felt I failed my father, and that broke me.
I have accepted my life, and with that acceptance has come a peace that each day as it is given to me... is there to bless me. It means instead of looking at what I don't have... I look at what I do have. I can still write. Those who read it may be blessed in doing so. I can walk my driveway and see the beauty of the forest even if I cannot see the beauty of other roads my father built- I can see this one. I may have lost many of my family, but I have been given many dear friends and I am so deeply blessed with knowing each of them.
When I wrote about hope, I was given an insight into how hope works in our lives. I know that insight came from God. I want to thank God for this difficult journey made all those years ago. I want to thank God for leading to my new purpose in life and that is to write. If ever my books find their way to your local library or bookstore... know this that was God that made it happen and not me. I just keep stepping out in faith... the rest is up to Him who loves and guides me. I accept anything He brings extra me as a gift, just as he brought me this day that I almost did not have.
Ever in Christ's love,
Mary Elizabeth Todd
December 28, 2022
PS, I chose the picture because it is a cool picture, I took years ago. I think eventually I will try to paint it.