The ending of grief is often illusive. I have thought I was there many times over but then something is said, or I find something that reminded me so much of someone whom I still love but I can no longer reach, and I was back in my field of grief.
I recently went through Ma’s cloth closet. I closed my eyes, and I could see her going there and pulling out a few pieces of fabric and looking at them. I was with her when she bought a few of those pieces of fabric. I felt all those many years of my childhood as I played with spools of thread at her feet while she sewed on her pedal machine. I can remember the whirl of the wheel spinning and the click of the pedal. I was downsizing the fabric that day and painting the closet. Briefly I was saddened as I let go of some pieces of that cloth that she loved so much. Sewing was one of those things that bonded us together. She taught me so much about cloth, sewing, and life.
I remember the sewing machine that I have. It was 1973 in the summer while I was home from college. It made and still does make a loud machine gun kind of sound, but I love it. I had no idea how to really make anything. Ma had me take her, so she could help me pick out that first piece of cloth and a pattern to make my first piece of clothing. I remember the first thing I made was a top to wear with my jeans. I know she would have preferred that I make a dress, but this is what I wanted. I loved that top and wore it totally out.
But as I cleaned out that closet, I thought about Ma and how much I have missed her. I found myself letting go of the sadness and grabbing hold of the memories. They still bring a warm feeling to my heart. I was at the end of the road through grief. I felt lighter in my heart than I had in years. This journey had blessed me even on the darkest of days.
It does not mean that there will never be things that will bring a tear to my eyes. There will be. It does mean that I will not be living a shadow of a life. I will continue to rebuild it with my friends and the family that I have. I will continue to face problems and solve them one at a time. I will most certainly have much joy. I am now at the beginning of the rest of my life, I am looking forward to the avenues my life will take me down, and the adventures I have left to experience.
Cliff Dancing…
I’ve always liked to dance.
Dancing on cliffs,
Jutting out into the sky, and
Leaping from rock to rock,
High above the valley floor,
I fly weightless.
The earth pulls me downward,
Weighed down with all those needless items:
Car payments, family feuds,
Dreams that could not fly,
Lost keys, groceries, missed messages,
Doctor appointments, and
Meals rushed through.
I spin them away-
So that I can dance onto
The next edge of life-
A cliff-side view-
All to behold beyond…
I bow to honor
The dance that is complete,
And look to the dance
That is to begin
On the cliff I spied higher.
Mary Elizabeth Todd
2008
Thoughts
They tell you to seek closure when someone dies, but closure is a myth when it comes to losing someone you love. They are always there as a part of you. It goes farther and farther away, but it is still there.
I lost a friend on December 31, 2022. He was one of my mother's partners in crime, meaning they were people she got to do things for her that she knew I would not want to be done. I would get a call at work, and she would say, "Don't come home until after dark." I knew she had been up to something. Ma had her sneaky side. I would go out to eat or to dinner or to shop, and most times when I got home it was something minor. This friend began helping Ma redo things she thought needed to be redone close to twenty-five years ago. When he died, I felt Ma slip farther away because there was one less person with whom I could share my memories of her. The loss of this friend was compounded by the loss of just having someone I could share my memories.
I miss dancing for my knee doesn't allow me to dance like I used to be able to do. I dream of dancing again. One of my motto's is Life is a dance. I will end with a poem I wrote concerning that motto
Life is a Dance
Life is a dance
From joy that comes
In quiet ways
On the side of a hill looking
Beyond yourself.
Life is a dance
When we do not dance
For sorrow
Has hidden our dancing shoes.
Life is a dance
Of little girls
Dancing upon their father’s shoes
Until they grow
And dance away.
Life is a dance
Played out in simple steps
With twinkling eyes
Delighting in moments
Spent with someone
You love.
Life is a dance
And each step taken
Is a step in a dance
Only the dancer
Really knows
But if
You ask
Someone might
Dance with you for a day
Or maybe more.
Mary Elizabeth Todd
February 19, 2020
Ever in Christ's Love,
Mary Elizabeth Todd
January 3, 2023